A full day of just shopping for me and nonstop coaching from my mom about how to be in Hong Kong. I was so busy wondering how I would explore the city when I wasn’t busy getting close to my dad, that I completely forgot exactly what life I’m trying to “get close to”. Just cause I’M going alone, does not mean alone time or bonding. It means dinner party after dinner party with people I’ve forgotten but will expect something from me. CEOs, the rich side of the family, competitive cousins etc ugh I know every AZN kid has to deal with this, but I don’t want to deal with this alone. I wanted to go back to live in Hong Kong and then Guongzhou like I would have the last 18 years. I wanted to have awkward days with my dad, but days where we would really get to talk and understand each other. I wanted to go to work with my aunts and follow my cousins around their normal teen days. I do NOT want to be a big deal where everyone will want to see how much I’ve changed or gage how much pride should be doled out to me. It was annoying when I was a kid and it will be worse as an 18 year old girl who’s back to Hong Kong by herself for a purpose. The worst part is I am losing my purpose. I imagined having to adapt to their lifestyle, but I forgot their lifestyle is what made my mom leave and what I used to hate. There’s no way I can just ignore or endure these things and not truly be present. Because if I want to embrace what life with my dad, then I have to deal with it full on. And I guess, right now, I just have to accept that it’s not all going to be positive or productive after all. I can’t even act excited about meeting up with all the perfect people who will also be in Hong Kong in August, because I feel like I’m going on a different kind of vacation. I’m not mad because I have to see people who want to see me. I’m mad because most of it will feel fake, and I wanted this trip to be genuine. That’s why I’m going back. I didn’t decide to go back to spend a fake month in Hong Kong. I would’ve just stayed here then because today alone I realized the amount of people I didn’t get to see before I leave. I was excited, then scared, because I didn’t know what to expect from this whim of a trip I decided to go on. Now I know what to expect, and I don’t want to go anymore. Because I’m not really sure I can do this all alone after all.