I like it when a boy tries to give me his food. #1 It means he doesn’t think I’m so obese that I shouldn’t eat (or he’s accepted it..fine either way ^^) and #2 I’ve gathered -from living and eating with them 24/7- that food is literally the most important thing to the male species..and if he wants me, no is making me, to take some of his food, he’s willing to give up his number one priority..for me. :)
This affection can also be attributed to the fact that lately my stomach has been a bottomless PIT :( TOO MANY CALORIES GOING STRAIGHT TO MY BRAIN IT’S NOT MY FAULT!!!
But anyway, today I listened to a lot of people I care deeply deeply about talk about their girl or boy problems. And people always seem to come to me for these things even though everyone knows I’ve never liked anyone enough to have my own relationship. It’s just weird…because hearing all these stories and emotions…makes me terrified to ever take that leap then. These conservations just seem to reaffirm my firm belief that commitment is a terribly scary thing/drag, and romance can’t be that worth it in the long run of achieving aspirations, being the best me, conquering the world etc. But then I think to myself…if all of these people are willing to go through these days or weeks of sadness, it means at one point, it was worth it…really really worth it, right? Well… I don’t know where I’m going with this, which is good since I have a math midterm to sleep for and own tomorrow. I hope my friends are happier, soon, and that maybe, soon too, I’ll fully understand what they’re going through. Because I’ll have found someone whose worth it, instead of just being able to relate through being a big romcom watcher, avid teen novel reader, super duper loser.
And, WHEN that day happens, that boy better give me some of his food. :)
Yesterday was my dad’s birthday and although, he forgot that it was, he sounds well- rested and stronger… so aja aja fighting Daddy! And thank you to all those who continuously keep him in their prayers and keep me strong. Be happy everyone.
“I like to see people reunited, maybe that’s a silly thing, but what can I say, I like to see people run into each other, I like the kissing and the crying, I like the impatience, the stories that the mouth can’t tell fast enough, the ears that aren’t big enough, the eyes that can’t take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone.”—Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close (via casimms)
Hmm the worst part about this quarter’s schedule is that all my meals are at awkward time…but the best part is I have perfect gaps in between classes to visit Preby’s every Monday Wednesday Friday :) so I will do something with this advantage.
super packed day again today but very very pretty weather <3
According to Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a Hungarian psychology professor, flow is completely focused motivation. It is a single-minded immersion and represents perhaps the ultimate in harnessing the emotions in the service of performing and learning. In flow the emotions are not just contained and channeled, but positive, energized, and aligned with the task at hand. To be caught in the ennui of depression or the agitation of anxiety is to be barred from flow. The hallmark of flow is a feeling of spontaneous joy, even rapture, while performing a task. In an interview with Wired magazine, Csíkszentmihályi described flow as “being completely involved in an activity for its own sake. The ego falls away. Time flies. Every action, movement, and thought follows inevitably from the previous one, like playing jazz. Your whole being is involved, and you’re using your skills to the utmost.”
how everyone deals with sadness in their own way. Even if I could go home this weekend I wouldn’t. I can’t handle the weight of my mom’s sadness, or William’s false apathy. I can’t handle watching Jonathan wonder if he should be sad or not. And I can’t handle being around anyone that intensifies my constant, struggling repressed sadness. Or it’d explode. I’d rather just stay at school in the midst of my extreme busyness that I’ve put myself through and keep at it. This week was peculiar. It was hard getting through the day and I’m ashamed to admit it, but I couldn’t somedays. It got better. I eat ramen late at night with people I love to be around, and go to meeting after meeting. I make myself sing and I am learning to watercolor. I worry about school, and spend any free moment texting people on my new iphone, having conversations that don’t REALLY need to be had, but I’ll have them anyway. All of it contributes to handling this exponentially growing worry, apprehension, fear. What else is there to do? Pray. At night I pray. It’s working. Enough anyway. I lie in my bed for fewer hours before finally falling asleep… and I make myself so tired throughout the day, that I sleep dreamless nights. I want the 13th to come and I want it to be good news. That’s all I’m asking for. Me being happy to see people or making an effort to be with people, it is all genuine even if it’s a struggle to be present. But if the 13th passes and it’s not what we need to hear, then I don’t know how present I could possibly ever be. I’m imploding almost every second of the day, if that’s even possible. If it were to be worse, I’d disappear. So please let this all work out.
On a good note, it makes me really really happy my best friends keep coming to SD to visit. It’s tiring “hosting” when I can barely host myself through a single normal day…but it’s nice knowing people care enough about me, this wreck of a me, to come to La Jolla. Michelle, Kevin, Carl, & Andrews are coming soon! So I better clean my room. Be happy everyone! :) And pray for my dad, if you can/want, thank you. ♥ Fighting