This past June, I camped out with ASB on the Santa Anita racetrack a whole night, eating lots and lots of good food, decorating our tent with trillions of lights, and walking for cancer. It was fun and important what we were doing, but it wasn’t the same. Just now I went to Rimac field with the intention of walking with Phi Alpha Delta, but, I left after half a lap because I couldn’t stay. I forgot that Relay for Life does this amazing thing where they light candles and put them in small white paper bags that line the track, each one representing someone who was lost to cancer. I tried and I failed and I feel really stupid for not being able to stay, complete my perfectly planned out schedule today, and to just walk for a cause that I of all people should be really championing. But I just can’t do it. I love the cause and I hope my donation of my entire last paycheck will contribute to defeating cancer once and for all one day, but just being there forced me to acknowledge how bitter and sad I always will be that all of this is happening. The gall bladder is completely out, but the truth is that doesn’t really mean much. Most patients only live up to a year after surgery. I know there were people there who would have understood or been supportive, but at the same time I really have to just deal with this whatever way I’ve been doing it. I just feel really stupid though. I really wish I was stronger and could have just stayed and walked around that track and been normal like everyone else. But I didn’t feel very normal and don’t think I will for a long time, so I left. I guess I kind of tripped today, but I’ll be okay and promise I will work on the walking.
Ashley was amazing though and thank you Jeremy, Matt, and Kevin for walking me all the way back to Muir. It’s really nice and sometimes needed having people who will walk with you.
Hehe saw this quote on this week’s toilet notes and it’s true. Go big or go home this entire week and nothing less for me.
Today Christopher was a really really good friend because I woke him up at 10AM after knowing he was out all night and asked him to drive me to Mission Viejo. He woke up without a groan and took me 1.5 hours away from SD to visit my grandma at Mission Hospital. Last week my uncle said everything was fine but this morning I found out that my grandparents, both babies, and my mom had gotten into that accident where the car was totaled because they were driving back from UCSD to drop me off. No one told me, just like no one told me when my dad first got diagnosed, because they know how I get so they wanted me to continue to be good at school and not get stressed over things I can’t change. But all that happens when I find out later is that I get really angry and also realize how selfish I can get. My mom finally called me today because my grandma was becoming more conscious from surgery and really wanted to see me. Hopefully it made her feel better for me to visit her today, I wish I could do more. It also makes me really inexplicably happy to have friends like Christopher here at UCSD.
This upcoming week is going to be crazy, because I truly really care about this election and everything else I’m fighting for. But I can’t get sucked into this focus where I block out everything that gives me fear or even the slightest negative feelings. I’ve gotten really bad at dealing with that..kind of stuff. But I’ve got to be there for my grandma and I have to face that my dad is going the surgery on Thursday. Justttt that’s all. I need to get up in four hours but I needed to write this post to remind myself that if I’m going to try to be the best me, then it must include everything. After all everything I do, it’s always for the people I care about in the end. Sigh I’m so bad at explaining how I feel anymore.
Basically I’m going to rock this week and I’m not going to forget the reasons why.