“I’d insisted that living off your vision was more powerful than living off your circumstances. Everyone, despite their circumstances, has the power to become the person they were meant to be, and the power to follow the dreams that dwell inside their heart. You just have to be brave and stay focused.”—Jerramy Fine
Late night call yesterday. Actually really leaving for Hong Kong on earliest flight tomorrow. Should be in Hong Kong by Monday 11:30PM their time.
It’s so weirdd how life doesn’t only turn upside down once in a while, but can do it fully and continuously without warning all the time. But I’m okay and I’m reacting the way I want to :) There is nothing to react to yet though like I said so.. yeah. Just kind of sad I have to quit work, put my revamped summer plans back on hold, and miss Fourth of July and Harry Potter again after all haha.
I have been wanting to see my dad forever though so this is it. I am really happy and excited. Everything will be okay. I truly believe this ♥
Okay so I didn’t end up leaving todayy or I’d be at the airport already.
LOL I AM SO FRUSTRATED NO ONE EVEN KNOWS. I had fully accepted on the spot I would have to go but now I have to accept ALL over again that I can’t go until most likely July.
My dad is intensive care and no one can really visit him at this moment and it won’t be another month until he leaves the hospital. So. he doesn’t want me to come back right now. He told my family to tell me it’ll just stress him out I’m all by myself in Hong Kong with nothing to do, no plans, and really no way to see him anyway so he and family over there really really felt it would be best if I did not go back today after all. I wish I had the guts to just defy that and fly over there right now… but I really don’t want to stress him out.
So now I’m here. With no substantive plans for the summer at all and just waiting and wanting to go see my dad. I knew this was going to be the story of my life…but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s entirely frustrating and really extremely disheartening for someone like me who’s never been okay with just doing nothing.
But sucking it up like usual. Which is actually different and almost paradoxical to coping. I know it’s strange and stupid. Whatever part of growing up okay yeah etc. And if I was honest with myself, I could and should / can and will use this month to focus on important things I haven’t focused on all year.
At least the last two days made me realize how amazing my friends are. Actually what am I saying they’ve always been amazing. Seeing a lot of really meaningful good friends willing to go out of their way to hang out and see me before I left. It was really cute for BBBS to get dressed up for a dinner for me, surprising me with a belated birthday cake, the boys making sure we weren’t going to eat Asian food because they thought I would eat it all three months, and just spending timee together. I loved how my UCSD friends drove up/down to see me yesterday even though we’ve only been separated for three days, did all the possible Arcadia things, and generally made me feel as happy and secure as I always do when I’m with them. So I mean I don’t know like LOL I WISH my dad and my Hong Kong super Asian family would just see things the way I do, if time is limited then you should spend it the way I kinda spent the last two days. But…that is not the case and my mom did slap me with some reality yesterday and say the most important thing is just to have him get better for him to even enjoy anything. Even if I think other things are important too or I want other things from all of this. So yeahh.
It’s just hard.
So now what I need to do, is stomach all of this. And then find something amazing to do and be for the next month, excluding just having lots of fun and adventures with lovely people.
How fucking weird. I want this month to pass by quickly because I’d like to get to my dad but at the same time I want it to be long enough to be fulfilling. Hm. I’ll figure it outt.
On top of everything else I’m pretty bad at, I’m really really pretty bad at saying good byes.
Everyone says it’s just summer, but it isn’t. Everyone always laughs at me when I jokingly hold on to them and ask them not to change or forget me, but the truth it is I’m just speaking for myself. People change over summer and even if they don’t, I do. I always always do. I always change over breaks, feel differently about things, places, people, in some small way/ways unnoticeable to most people and this is one summer that won’t and can’t possibly leave me the same. But you know what, change doesn’t have to be bad, even if circumstances are bad. So, I have nothing to worry about.
I don’t really have to say goodbyes, but I wish I could just express how much I’m really going to miss a lot of people. I’m so used to seeing the same people every day in my haven of a room, and we’ve all created a year/life together that has been uninterrupted and perfect in its own right. But I know my anxiety stems deeper than just the prospect of misssing the amazing people and our freshman year routines for three months. Most of it has to do with the fact-I realized today- I’m really not ready to go back to reality.
Kelly comically sees reality as having to listen to radio music while driving again and keeping up with the most current movies, but reality is not being in this bubble. I would have died to leave this bubble if this had been pre-December. But that’s when I thought I was allowed to maneuver my next four years however I wanted and nothing was allowed to stop my ambition or me. That was definetly before my dad got diagnosed and with this uncertainty of a year left, he is the really truly the center of my life now, because I want him to be even if most of the time I can’t really do anything about it. So reality is a bitt different and I’m actually still trying to figure all of that out. I’ve been able to be at school the last six months telling myself my number one priority before seeing my dad again and way to cope was just to forge on and get good grades. And now after my last final on Friday, it’s really really time to face everything. Or at least start moving towards/getting ready for other stages of coping, not letting coping get the best of my etc. I don’t know. Things are only going to get harder, I mean this biologically with any terminal cancer, and if anything, going back home means getting stronger or learning to be okay the real way. I’m not even sure what I’m saying cause it’s still frustrating thinking about that, so point is, I’m lucky I had six months in solace, but it’s not how it’s supposed to be.
And honestly, home is good. There are sooo many people that make my heart swell at home, I get a month before Hong Kong, I don’t know what I’m so scared of. There are a lot of things I can’t express anymore although I try reallllly hard. I’m quite proud of this post actually! But umm yeah. I thought it was much worse, but if it’s just fear I’m dealing with right now, then fuck that. Haha I can get over that.
This isn’t an end of the school year post or anything, I guess it’s just a post. Because I don’t want the responsibility to myself to have to explain how incredible freshman year was. My life may have changed drastically and tragically in ways I would’ve it never, but I can’t be shallow and let anyone believe this wasn’t an amazing amazing year. Every moment was worth it. Every expected college experience to unwanted growing pain, all worth it or will be worth it. So that’s that.
I used to be a girl about big displays of expression and epiphanies and declarations. But a lot of things just are now and that’s okay. It doesn’t make life as a whole any less romantic and profound, because maybe perhaps this is the longest most meaningful ongoing part of the journey thus far, probably, and so of course I can’t explain it. I have to learn, along with a whole other ton of shit, that just because I can’t make sense and prescribe a reason and meaning to everything immediately anymore, it doesn’t mean it’s not happening anyway. And mostly, it never meant that I can’t overcome and better yet embrace it. So…if I’m able to say all of this, maybe nothing really has changed, even if everything, mostly unexplainable, has. Whew.
Last summer, I was ecstatic and in love with the fact that summer was unplanned, and anything was possible because I was allowed to leave it open. I’ve spent the last year being inexplicabally dissapointed that this summer is going to be in the same fashion as last summer. It’d be better if I knew my dad and my brothers and I were going on a huge bucket list adventure, but of course, in reality, just because you have cancer does not mean you have to do anything the Morgan Freeman way. So I mean it’s hard to stomach WHAT kind of summer this summer will be. But it will be meaningful and amazing, as is everything else in my life always ends up being, even if it will be hard. I can believe that. So I can stop being scared now and concentrate on owning my last final (which by the way I don’t think I did with the other two) and tying up any loose ends that are worth, but not really necessary, tying here in San Deezy before I’m back in another three months.
I mean it’s only three months right? Haha no.. But everything will be okay. I don’t even know how I magically sanely arrived at this peace of mind despite all my test, separation, and general anxiety, and I don’t how long it will last. But I can try and for now I have to believe that’s all that matters. ♥
Just got tickled by Chris & Kelly like crazy so.. that means study break!
What was the first thing you did this morning? check my phone
Did the last person you kissed have a tattoo? yes
Is there something you want to say to someone but can’t/won’t? I tried to get everything out so I could concentrate this weekend…but yes. Except half the time I don’t even really know what I want to say.
What is the relationship between you and the last person you texted? she’s my roommate and one of my best friends.. I was just spending ALL of dinner telling her how much I’m going to miss her over the summer and how if I had to pick one person who defined my entire freshman year, it’d be her because all I have to do is look at Kelly and think back to the first day we were thrown around a bunch of basketball players at the All-Campus dance like freshman losers and now we’re ending the year together as best friends <3 I love her so much LOL that is all.
Do you believe exes could really ever be “just friends?” I think so.
Do you believe what goes around comes around? hmmm no.
To get with someone of the opposite sex, have you ever faked being drunk? LOL what? hail no.
What do you want? to get really good grades right now although I want a cornucopia of other shit I can’t have.
When did you last do something ridiculously stupid? last Saturday.
Are you ticklish? LOL YES :(
Last sporting event you watched? I looked at the score of the finals game right now?
How many people do you fully trust? I don’t know. I’m a generally a pretty trusting person because I let everyone in to a certain extent and absolutely no one past that line.
What does the last text say in your inbox? ”Are we helping you move out on sat?”
Are you missing anyone? I don’t care I’m going to stop.
Do you remember the first time you met the last person you kissed? yes
Sex ruins relationships, right? haha I’m pretty sure there are other things that really ruin relationships
Where would you rather go, Greece or Hawaii? Greece.
Could you go a whole year without cursing? what the fuck? LOL TIFF. HAHA Okay seriously, but same answer. I’ve lost self control a long time ago.
Are you wanting any tattoos at the moment? dude yes since like forever the same one. My dad just has to cave in :(
Do you have a crush on someone? doesn’t matter.
Would you ever get a tattoo? yup
Does your family have a close relationship? yess I’m so excited to see them soon.
Do you know anyone that smokes weed? LOL no I just go to college…
Do you miss your past? I miss pre-December pre-diagnosis. but not really, kind of a move forward kind of gal.
Is there anybody that you wish you could fix things with? yeah.
Do you wanna take anything back from your past? no I feel like I do everything I do for some subconscious reason or due to some personality flaw and even if it’s stupid I just have to fix it in the present and future. Everything does happen for a reason and if you don’t like that reason, you fix that, but taking back things does absolutely nothing.