Everytime I actually stress out or realize how small I truly am, the weight of my dad not being here feels infinite amounts heavier. He was the ultimate champion of having faith in yourself and you couldn’t reckon with him. He would literally tell me to shut the fuck up when I revealed the littlest bit of doubt in myself.
I have no time to sit here and think I can’t finish this or do that or be myself.
but when I try not to acknowledge those feelings, random obstacles like getting my laptop stolen or mean spirited people fuck it all up and some how it leads to me not wanting any of the things I want anymore because who was I to even want those things in the first place.
but you know what, what I need to do right now is write this paper to the best of my ability. That’s it.
“It’s just that I don’t want to be somebody’s crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don’t want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too.”—Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
So this is what it feels like to be dispossessed of some of the things I fucking need most. I’m so bitter. And so disappointed. I don’t even know how to process all this.
Back in our hotel room, the staff room, people have been continually walking in and out. 2 of our hotel keys don’t work….
Most of all, I need my laptop back because it has all of the pictures of my dad in it…. I can ignore that I’m literally FUCKED for finals, that I had to cancel every single debit and credit card, that I feel materialistically and literally handicapped, and that I’m sure there are so many more things I will realize I am incapable of throughout the next weeks without my laptop and purse.
But I can’t ignore that the pictures of my dad are not saved anywhere else. What the hell else am I supposed to ever look at again if I want to see his face? And a lot of the things that were taken from me had meaning that I can’t ever get back.
I’ve gotten stolen from countless of times. I’m careless, I’m stupid, and it’s happened. And every time I refuse to be angry at the person because I think they must’ve really really needed whatever they took from me. But like every time before, it never makes up for the fact that the person doesn’t understand just exactly how much they stole from me.
I’m kind of okay. It’s been a really bad weekend despite the amazing experiences I had, and I kind of just feel really unlucky? In a way and stupid. But I also don’t have time to feel any worse, so aja aja fighting! Please, please please let things get better.