Kevin & Grant came up to my room today while I was being lazy as fuck and handed me Clement’s book in hardcover. They said they bought their own copy and this one was for me. It was weird.
Why have I gotten so bad at expressing myself? Everything is just weird. I feel like I’m saying a lot already when I say something is weird or I utter an I don’t know.
I don’t know.
Hahahahah. Anyway I love my friends. All of them. I loved belting out Disney songs with Tomoko & Jess walking home today. Being in the living room with Sherri & Kelly. And just sitting with the guys, getting shit from them, or having deep talks. These are the moments you feel yourself growing in between all of the other expectant experiences.
I am so happy on the inside. I feel my rib cage expanding with this restored&stronger faith in the world, life, and myself and it gets bigger when I look and interact with all the people I’m surrounded by. But knowing that also came at the cost of losing people that I loved, needed, and will never stop wanting back…I can feel the heaviness behind that, too.
But at the end of the day. Even if I can’t vocalize anything anymore and am really awkward (more so) about how to deal with things… All anyone can and should do is take a deep breath and make that price worth paying.
April 2012
43 posts
Nope!
:X Thank you!! You are amazing too whoever you are :)
….it’s weird. Does that make sense? Weird. Dot wasn’t even like one of those fish people aw’ed at. He was moody, aggressive, often uncooperative, but he was definitely a survivor. I guess I just hate that. I hate seeing that someone/something exert such willpower to live and it’s just not enough sometimes. That you’d think their death would be more romantic than just what it is. You’d think I’d get to see my dad in a conscious state before he actually passed away. That I wouldn’t miss his ability to talk by just a few hours. You’d think there’d be some grand last words, that I could hold onto for the rest of my life, an opportunity to make amends, say goodbyes etc. You’d think that after outliving most fish by 1.5 years, Dot wouldn’t just die in the most random unexciting life sucking city and place on a random day when I wasn’t there. Of all the days he was sitting on my desk, in my living room, in my house, he passes away at some stranger’s house overnight. You’d think that we’d have an opportunity to really BE there when we’ve fought alongside something and someone for a really long time, to at least watch them leave. But you know what. At the end of the day, I have to tell myself, what good is that. People and animals and living things pass away and move on, and that’s how it goes. It isn’t always okay, may never be okay, but things don’t necessarily have to be okay to happen. You just have to try your best to be okay and be thankful for the time allotted. So yeah, I’m thankful. I’m as thankful as I am sad, and that’s okay. I may sound angry, but that’s because for someone who tries REALLY hard to achieve everything she wants, and will find any way to get something once I have my mind set on it, death is just unbeatable. I’ll never be able to beat it, save all the people and fish I care about from leaving when the world still needs them lol. But it’s okay. So it goes.
